Category: ultracomics

You can’t expect comic books to accurately portray the workings of the real world, especially as the real world evolves further and further out of sync with the underlying premise of a comic. The New York of the Marvel Universe, for instance, bears less and less resemblance to to my New York (and not just because Magneto didn’t do anything to fuck up my morning commute last year). Sure, I can walk by the Avengers Mansion or take the subway to Spider-Man’s neighborhood, but there’s not much more resemblance than that anymore. Marvel’s contemporary New York is still based on Stan Lee’s fictionalized version from a couple of generations ago, which hasn’t had the same churning real estate market as the real thing.

I get a huge kick out of the version of Hell’s Kitchen that Daredevil protects with such dedication. His Hell’s Kitchen is still about the poor and the downtrodden in their seedy apartments and dive bars, and the crime rings that prey on them. The actual Hell’s Kitchen (which the realtors are trying to get us to refer to as “Clinton”) is more about gays, tourists, and luxury rentals these days.

I would love to see Daredevil start interacting with the area’s steady influx of homos and realtors. Maybe another cocktail lounge or an Olive Garden could open up down the street from Nelson & Murdock’s office, or maybe Matt could look into subletting the first floor of his townhouse for a couple grand per month. Considering the city’s colorful history of gay bars getting protection from the mob, wouldn’t it be awesome if the Kingpin’s cronies opened up a huge gay disco in Matt’s favorite church? With go-go boys dressed like Daredevil? That would be more grittily realistic. And still ripe with dramatic potential, don’t you think? Daredevil could totally use a drag-queen sidekick.

The best line of dialogue from the new issue of Ultimate Fantastic Four? This sad lament from Ben Grimm, who’s realizing that they’ve come all the way to the N-Zone (the Ultimate version of the much cooler-named Negative Zone) only to meet yet “another freak who gets his — its — kicks from controlling people”:

The universe is this fantastic place, full ideas and, you know, cool stuff. And everyone else seems to think it’s somewhere to set up their frickin’ butt-hat franchise.

The Ultimate series always make me nervous, even though I’ve really liked a few of them. I’ve been so happy with Ultimate Fantastic Four, which really nails the esstential personalities of the characters, and really gets into the sense of wonder they feel as they explore their own powers and the universe around them. Yes, it’s a gimmick to reboot the Marvel Universe and fill it with younger, edgier, remixed versions of its characters, but in this case Warren Ellis is really rocking it.

I think he’s the best writer to handle this particular series: he writes solid, funny, nuanced characters, but he also writes incredible stories of science fiction, which is what the Fantastic Four really thrive on. I haven’t minded the slow pace of the series, because I’m totally loving the sci-fi ideas he showing us and developing along the way. Frankly, I’d be happy to have the action go slower if we could get more rumination about the things they’re seeing along the way.

And I’m glad to see Ben get so many good quips in, and to have them mixed in with the incredible decency that I’ve loved about the Thing. He’s probably my all-time favorite comic character, and this book is really letting him shine so far.

My only quibble is with the Invisible Gi…er…Woman, and it’s one that I have with just about every reboot of the FF done during the last 15 years or so. Now, she’s another one of my favorite characters, but because she really grew into herself over the years. For this, I think we have to thank John Byrne (who these days should be kept a minimum distance of a million miles from any characters we love). It was Byrne who really developed her from the plucky, girly Sue Richards into the powerful emotional rock of the team. That journey really made her, and it’s a shame to see her start out as absurdly accomplished as Reed — not because she shouldn’t be, but because she was a richer character when she grew into them after all her Fantastic experiences.

So were the TRS-80 Whiz Kids ever considered part of official DC continuity? I don’t remember seeing them in Crisis.

My favorite lines of dialogue from this week’s comics:

• Ex Machina #8: “Sorry, I thought you two be familiar with City Hall Park from all of your late night ‘cruising.’ Kidding, of course. Everyone knows you people stick to the Rambles for that.” — Mayor Mitchell Hundred, greeting the two guys whose wedding he’s agreed to perform.

  I love this comic more than anything. The artwork by Tony Harris is tremendous, but it’s really Brian K. Vaughan’s character interactions that make this series so delicious. I’m actually annoyed whenever the story turns away from the political and personal story and fills in details of the more comic-booky story happening in the background.

• Birds of Prey #79: “I went to Catholic school, Canary. One thing you learn, right away…never screw with the crazy girl.” — The Huntress, explaining why she’s trying to talk to Rose/Thorn before she gets into a fight with her.

  I avoided this book for so long because it seemed like such a goofy idea, and because the loosely-related TV show looked so cheesy. I’m so glad I finally discovered the best-written female characters in the entire DC universe. I jus the artwork wasn’t always so absurdly cheesecakey.

• Teen Titans #21: “Hey, listen, if I get…hurt…just let me take care of myself, all right?” — Speedy, joining the Titans in a fight against Dr. Light before she was able to tell them that she’s HIV+. I totally sympathized with her concern.

  I’d already heard about how the new Speedy was going to be dealing with HIV, and I’ve been hoping that the writers handle it gracefully. I don’t know if it’s working in Green Arrow, but the first hints of that twist in this book seem OK so far.

• Ultra #7: “Beaver Girl, I love your lips!” — unseen fan to unseen heroine on the red carpet to the Annual Super Hero Awards. Heh, beaver. Get it?

  Actually, there’s endless good dialogue in this whole series, both the funny kind and the natural kind.

• She-Hulk #12: “Guys, there’s a big superhuman battle nearby. Why haven’t you taken off?” “Please! Nobody gets hurt in those things.” “Except maybe a beloved character. For added sales…and the rubber-necking factor” — Jen Walters (She-Hulk) and some guys in a comic store. On the very next page, may favorite supporting character in the book, Awesome Andy, gets his head ripped off.
• Astonishing X-Men #8: “I know you wanted to cement your standing in the group, but if that geek was sharing my bed…I think I’d try not to wake up.” — unseen entity addressing a comatose Emma Frost, as the geek looks on.

  Like Ex Machina this book has sucked me in with great characters and who interact brilliantly. The action has mostly been used to propel the characters from one point in the story to the next, which is usually fine. That’s pretty much all this issue is, though, so even though this issue set up a lot of interesting story developments, it felt a bit like filler. Tsk, tsk, Joss — that’s just what ruined so many of Buffy’s last episodes. Don’t get sloppy on us now.

Looking for yet another way to waste hours of your time? Check out the hilarious collection of covers at Superman Is a Dick. It’s a shame they don’t write stories about all Superman’s attempts to murder, humiliate, or double-cross his friends and loved ones anymore. The world needs to know!

In Young Avengers #1, J. Jonah Jameson says that after Bucky was killed, no one wanted to be like him anymore, and sidekicks were only things that were seen in comic books. Thinking more about it, I realized he might be right: except for Golden Age characters, Marvel’s never really used the sidekick gimmick that much. They’ve had teenage characters galore, but none who were really sidekicks working as partners with or teen versions of adult characters. (Rick Jones, for instance, was always more of a tag-along than a costumed crimefighter.)

DC, on the other hand, has done it so often that there ought to be a metahuman version of social services to look into the whole thing.

So my question is: can you think of any true sidekicks in the Marvel Universe? Who am I forgetting?

In general, I’m fussy about my comics and fussy about my porn, so rarely do the two mix very well. Porn is tricky because often it’s either too generic or too specifically constructed to punch someone’s buttons other than my own. In the realm of illustrated erotica, where so much loving attention is paid to the artist’s own interests, my appreciation is usually limited to a sort of cool, non-sexual interest in the technique, or a critical roll of the eyes. On top of all that, It’s hard to tell a good story in a comic book, at least in a way where the writing, the art, and the appeal to someone’s imagination all come together in just the right way. Although I’ve seen lots of gay comic art that’s sexual in nature, it’s almost never struck the right balance of all those elements.

That’s why Sticky, from Eros Comix, was such an enormous, pleasant surprise. It does a beautiful job of telling a story in the comic medium, and it’s also pretty hot. My pal Andy mentions in a review of his own that it’s not very plot-heavy, which is technically true, but misleading. When I finally got my copy, I was actually pretty blown away by how well Dale Lazarov’s plotting and Steve MacIsaac’s artwork (there’s no dialogue, so I’m actually a little unsure where the the writer’s role ended and the artist’s began) told the story of one couple’s roll in the hay in exquisite, vivid detail. I don’t mean the sometimes excruciating detail of a porn movie, but the kind of details you might notice when you’re actually having sex with someone — a string of moments that can be hot, playful, tender, mischievous, and even a little funny.

I think that’s why this works as both porn and as a comic: the illustrated story feels real and not too contrived, with enough of the right elements thrown in to call to mind enough of my own romps. At the same time, it has great artwork that’s suited really well to this particular medium, and uses that to string together a story that wouldn’t be quite so compelling if told (or shown) another way. that’s quite a trick (oh god, I totally did not mean that as a pun), and I’m impressed they pulled it off. Now I’m all excited to see what the second issue has in store!

(Disclosure: Dale Lazarov wrote and asked me if I was interested in getting a review copy of the comic. I had already heard about it and wanted to read it, so I happily agreed. I warned him, though, that I would tell the truth. Since I’m such a pussycat, though, I’m glad I was able to tell the truth and still say good things about it.)

I don’t know exactly what’s in store for the Robot Chicken, an upcoming treat from Adult Swim, but based on these frame grabs from its tantalizing preview clip, I’m already twitching in anticipation.

I’ve always had a soft spot for action figures thrust into irreverent situations: as a youngster I made Princess Leia into a private eye (modeled after Jessica Drew) with an office in a bookcase high-rise, and in college my annual Celebrity Nativity (Cher, Luke Skywalker, Jason Priestley, and the Hulk dolls all were used) was a dorm favorite. Adult Swim is loaded with excellent moments, but I find a lot of it hard to stay with for very long. I hope Robot Chicken doesn’t let me down. But with a start like this, I’m certainly rooting for it.

I worry about those kids at the Xavier Institute. What kind of an education are they really getting? Yes, they learn to embrace their uniqueness and fight like ninjas, but what about math? Unless they’re exempt from the New York State Regents Exams (I was, but I was taught by Jesuits — I don’t know if Xavier gets the same breaks), they really ought to be boning up on their writing and algebraic skills.

Let’s face it, their faculty is — at best — overworked, and frequently unavailable for office hours. Isn’t Wolverine part of about 50 teams right now? That doesn’t leave much time for him to administer the Presidential Physical Fitness Exam to his students. Who’s chair of the foreign languages department, huh? Is there any arts curriculum? Northstar has all but disappeared from view lately, so maybe he’s been devoting a lot of time to teaching his economics classes instead.

Scott Summers apparently has a graduate degree from the Institute, but what was his major, anyway? No wonder he’s such an emotional cripple: he’s basically been home-schooled his entire adult life. And I don’t think the rest of them are likely to turn out much better.

I started thinking about all of this when I was applying to graduate school this past month. As I filled out paperwork and gathered up my transcripts, I began wondering who helps the kids from other countries deal with their student visas and TOEFL scores? Is there an admissions interview, or does Xavier just give them a telepathic once-over and see how many extra body parts they have? You get the impression that Xavier handles all the administrative duties at the school, but couldn’t he use a secretary or an assistant or something? I don’t mean to bring up old scandals, but he does tend to disappear or go all evil now and then. In his current absence, I somehow doubt that Scott and Emma are processing paperwork or doing any college counselling.

Basically, the Xavier Institute is just another charter school run amok. The kids are running wild, the faculty is running wilder, and there seem to be no standards or accountability whatsoever. Next time they dip into the endowment fund to rebuild the Danger Room or the Blackbird, is anyone likely to bitch about the funds being taken away from the library’s budget? I doubt it.

All this just makes me love Kitty Pryde even more. She rose above this nonsense and went on to a regular college to get a decent education and learn everyday social skills. She didn’t let those hacks at the Xavier Institute keep her from making the most of her academic gifts. Now that she’s back at the mansion and running classes of her own, I hope she turns out to be part of the solution, and not just another part of the problem.