I’ve been grappling with this problem in varying degrees for well over a year, but I knew I had to tough it out for a while. The problem became more acute this last Spring, but I had made a promise and didn’t want to be a dick about things. I tried, unsuccessfully, to deal with the issue as the Summer wound to a close and the real scope of the problem became clearer and clearer. It’s pretty much the only thing I’ve been able to think about for the last couple of weeks, and I’m 99.5% sure it’s time to deal with it once and for all. (As soon as I figure out if that .5% is a half-point of fear or pragmatism.)
My stable, full-time, and fairly lucrative job is killing my career. Not only is it crushing my soul, but it’s also keeping me from doing work that will help me get any further in my career of choice. Every so often, people have contacted me about freelance design projects that sound really interesting, but I’ve had to turn them down because I didn’t have the time to give them the attention they need because of my full-time non-design job. When I was applying to schools and applying for jobs, I barely had any recent work to show because I haven’t been doing any graphic design, except for basic things I’ve been able to knock out in my spare time. As far as my career goes, I don’t have a lot to show for the last few years, other than some more experience at managing large projects and a handful of excuses why a designer would stay so long at a job that regularly refuses to consider graphic design. Yes, it’s been interesting in some ways. Yes, I’ve gotten my finances back under control. Yes, I’ve taught myself that I have more patience than I thought. Yes, I’ve learned how to consider a wider scope of issues when I think about a project.
But what do I have to show for it? Not much. How can I show that the lessons I’ve learned make me a better designer? Right now, I can’t. What I need to do is design things. What I need to do is something I enjoy, something with tangible results that show what I can do. If I’m going to work as a designer, I need to work as a designer. If I’m going to get work as a designer, I’ll need to offer more than assurances and outdated work. If I’m going to take another stab at graduate school, I need to think about what I want to learn about design, not how badly I want to stop working at something else.
I think I’ve hit the tipping point. I did what I promised my employers I would do, and now they need to know if I’m going to go or if I’m going to commit to more long-term efforts. I needed to beat my debt into submission, and I have. I even feel like I’ve paid a debt to an old friend, who would surely want me to think about the future of my dreams as well as the future of my work. I think that if I don’t start doing a little of the right work, it will only get harder and harder to do more of it.
I think — no, I know — it’s time to quit the job that’s holding me back and cobble together a little work that’ll take me forward. I need time to concentrate on new projects and developing my thinking. I need time to concentrate on making things. I need time to do the work I want to do, and be the person I want to be. Isn’t a little hardship worth that?
And besides, aren’t there some of you out there who could use the services of someone like me?