Category: ultracomics

I’ve been gushing already about the new Battlestar Galactica on my other site so I won’t repeat my praises here. One of the commenters, though, was bemoaning the new show’s lack of Muffit, the robot pal of young Boxy.

I loved Muffit and miss him in the new show, but the more I thought about it the more I realized he wouldn’t work so easily in a story whose premise is based on a society living in terror of artificial intelligence run amok. There would be too strong a taboo against creating a robot dog that could learn how to love. They’d be too scared it would turn into a nightmare scenario like in Grant Morrison’s We3. Of course, it could also be pretty awesome if it turned into a scenario like the geniusness of We3, but it’s probably not what the writers have in mind.

Still, can’t you just picture it?

While recently reading an assortment of X-Men issues [Uncanny X-Men #148, Phoenix Endsong #1, and a bunch of Astonishing X-Men (Best. X-Book. Ever. [Maybe.])], I thought to myself, “Cyclops sure is a dick.” More to the point, he’s probably the biggest drama queen to ever pass through the doors of the X-Mansion. (And there has certainly been a lot of competition for that honor.) With the handsome-but-incessantly-whiny Mr. Summers, it’s always, “Oh woe is me! I can’t open my eyes! My true love is too powerful! My true love died! My girlfriend looks just like my dead true love! I have to leave my wife because her doppelganger, my true love, is back from the dead! I finally married my true love but even though she’s telepathic she can’t possibly understand me! So I’ll have a psychic affair that my true love couldn’t possibly find out about! My true love died again! No one understands why I’m screwing this other hot telepath right after my true love died! My true love is alive again!” The grass is always greener on the other side, isn’t it, Scott?

Do you see a pattern here? Do you notice how it’s always more about Scott than Jean, or whatever woman is reminding him of or distracting him from Jean? Scott and his problems! Scott and his great, true love! Which, maybe, wasn’t so great. It’s amazing there’s not a round of audible sighs and eye-rolling every time Scott opens his mouth. Thankfully, at least the fabulous Miss Frost has the nerve to give him crap about it. But she’s caught up in the drama, just like Jean. And Madelyne, and Lee Forrester, and the whole Summers clan and their various timelines and realities, and very person at that school who has to put up with him. Look, Summers, everyone has trouble: learn how to suck it up.

I went to go see this Broadway musical called Wicked (after which I was able to touch a New Kid’s butt), which was pretty good (not great), but had a striking parallel to the things that bring us all here.

You see, Wicked is the story of a young woman who, because of a strange formula imbibed by her parents, is born with bright green skin. Because of her unusual appearance, she is treated badly by everyone around her, and grows up a little resentful and moody. So moody, in fact, that when she loses her temper things occasionally explode or fly in all directions. She is taken under the wing of a teacher who recognizes her innate talents. She eventually befriends some fellow students as she harnesses her power and begins to use it fight for the rights of other outcasts (usually of the talking animal variety). Soon, a despotic government that wants to control her and her power finds her unwilling to be its pawn, and the populace is turned against her. The people grow to fear and hate her, and try to hunt her down. She continues to use her powers to help others who have been similarly mistreated, but all her efforts are seen as nothing but more wickedness. Many adventures later, she is forced to fake her own death and go into hiding with the man she loves, who had been turned into sentient plant matter earlier in the story.

Sound familiar? Like maybe something out of a familiar franchise? Actually it’s a retconned version of a totally different kind of classic. Who knew the wonderful world of Oz was so much like Salem Center?

In case you hadn’t noticed, lately I’ve been on a classic-heroines kick. While stuck in bed with a bad cold a couple of weekends ago, I was hunting down a few images for something I wanted to write about Spider-Woman, and then one thing led to another and I eventually bought a huge pile of old comics off eBay. Since I was following a train of thought, they all fell into a similar category: ass-kicking women I loved as a kid. (Plus some crazy, gorgeous Jack Kirby stuff, but I’ll save that for another time.)

Luckily, there is much to love in all those old issues. For all my nostalgia about the comics I grew up with, I’m the first to admit that re-reading them often makes me want to scratch my eyes out. The writing and the artwork and the production of modern comics is usually so sophisticated compared to last century that it can be tough to put yourself back in ther mind-set of what made those older stories so magical. It turns out, though, that those early Dazzler issues had great art by John Romita, Jr., and John Byrne hadn’t spiralled into total megalomania yet and Wonder Woman still had a fun contrast of 70s feminism and the timeless objectfication of hot chicks.

I’ve really been most surprised by the pre-Crisis Wonder Woman stuff. There’s plenty of the goofiness that came with decades of accumulated plot developments: the Amazons with their advanced spacecrafts and magic bracelets, the invisible robot plane controlled by WW’s tiara, the Greek gods dressing pretty much like golden-age superheroes. I expected (and looked forward to) all that, but I guess all the traces of feminism and radical politics and anger-at-man’s-world stuff mostly flew past me when I was young. Check out this sequence from Wonder Woman #263 (January, 1980):

All this, of course, is forgotten once Wonder Woman has to battle “The Gaucho, A Real Man!” from the Argentinian pampas who looks like an escapee from Epcot Center and rides a horse with rocket hooves.

OK, picture it. It’s 1979 and you’re living in pre-Crisis Greenwich Village. You’re a dancer who is, perhaps, a little light in the loafers. Oh, surely no one knows for sure, but there’s something in the way you wear those purple slacks and those neck chains with such flair. Your boyf…er, your “roommate,” Thomas, notices that you have a new neighbor. She’s tall, athletic, and has a gorgeous head of hair like some kind of Greek goddess or something. It’s a shame she wears those dowdy glasses and seems to lose her temper if she can’t find those clunky wristbands of hers, but clearly she has some pizazz. What, she used to be a NASA astronaut trainee but just moved back to New York for some glamorous job at the U.N.? Girl, don’t tell me that bitch has brains as well as a body like that! And single? Jackpot!

Now, how hard would this rock? Wouldn’t you want to lure her into your web of fabulousness and make her your new best friend? Seriously — everyone knows what Thomas is up to when he goes for those “walks” down by the piers, so why shouldn’t you find yourself some sassy lassy to gossip with when you go for a cocktail? Those other queens will be so jealous they’ll scratch your eyes out when you waltz into Studio 54 with this glamazon on your arm! If only she weren’t always disappearing when you least expect it. Doesn’t she know hard many twinky chorus boys you had to flirt with to get those tickets to “A Chorus Line”?

(This moment between Diana and Lance taken from Wonder Woman #260, 1979)

A few selections from What If? #34, a special issue from August 1982 that I consider a class of the genre…

Continue reading “What If #34”

Wednesday, of course, is new-comic day, and an opportunity for me to rattle off some pithy quickies instead of strain myself by trying to articulate anything insightful:

• Identity Crisis #7 (of 7): Meh. At least this one had a cover I really liked. This series started off with a pretty powerful emotional kick, but just couldn’t hold its momentum across all these months. It might work better as a trade, but I tried rereading a few issues in a batch, and I couldn’t get through it without wondering about if it was gonna rain the next day or do we have any cake or is there some Gilmore Girls on the Tivo or something. For a big finale, this wrapped things up tidily, but it’s hard to care. Especially when they reveal the killer right at the beginnning and then follow it with blah blah blah blah blah. Oh well. I bought them all, so I guess DC’s fiendish plan worked in the end.
• Ex Machina #7: Ah, such bliss. I love this book more and more every month, and that’s after I started loving it completely when I read the first issue. I love the overall concept, I love how the characters are written so well, and I really want to see where they go with the new twists they’re adding to the story now. Just brilliant.
• Space Ghost #1: Ooooh, pretty! Oooooh, not so much fun. If they were gonna make Space Ghost all serious science fiction, I would have preferred the more inventive touch of Warren Ellis or someone.
• Birds of Prey #77: This is another series I wish I’d discovered much, much earlier. It’s really wonderful. That being said, this issue was a little weak, but I think they’re just getting going with a different story arc, so we’ll see. Like Joss Whedon, Gail Simone doesn’t go too crazy with the plot devices (even though lots of good ideas come into play), instead getting most of the power of each issue from the development of the main characters. That aspect doesn’t taper off, even when the action part of the story doesn’t kick in so much.

And since the subject came up again recently, I finally bought the first trade collection of Alias, and I feel like a goddam idiot for not paying more attention to it when it was underway. Incredible! Totally, totally incredible. I’m actually really glad that Bendis didn’t intend to use Jessica Drew for the main character (as is often thought), because I wouldn’t want her taken in this direction, but I think it’s even more brilliant for developing a brand new character as if she were an embittered has-been. It’s a great story, and surprisingly emotionally resonant. And just funny enough just often enough to keep it really punchy between the grim parts. And don’t even get me started on how gorgeous all the covers (by “total snack” David Mack) were. I kinda noticed those right before the series ended, when I decided not to get involved so far into a story. Now, of course, I have to get them all. Curses!

My discovery of the Dazzler collection distracted me from the post I had originally been writing in praise of Spider-Woman, who ranks up there with my beloved Kitty Pryde as perhaps my favorite all-time comic-book character ever. It pleases me mightily to see her show up in so many comments about beloved, overlooked heroines of the Bronze Age.

There’s more than a touch of nostalgia to my love for Spider-Woman, since I haven’t seen much of her since the end of her own series back in 1983. (Yes, I loved her before I became distracted by puberty, New Wave, and skater boys.) From what I’ve unearthed about her subsequent appearances, she hasn’t quite had the modern redemption that Kitty has had in the last few years (aside from a few appearances in Alias, from what I hear), really fleshing her out as a substantial character apart from the original gimmicks. I’m hoping that Brian Michael Bendis finally gives her some juicy storylines once the New Avengers gets underway.

In fact, she’s the only reason I’m really ging the New Avengers a chance, what with the way my whole excitement for them was crushed by the gigantic mess of the Avengers Disassembled arc. Did any of you read that? What a mess, and the start of the new series only showed the tiniest bit of promise. But I like Bendis a lot, and he seems to pulled together characters he already cares about, so maybe he will make me proud with his handling of Spider-Woman. Hell, I don’t even know if she still wears the same costume, so even that detail would make me happy.

Even though she has mostly been developed as an independent character, I always felt a little bad that she got a lot of her big breaks because of the tangential relationship to Spider-Man (in name and basic concept, but that’s about it). Her own book and the cartoon series never really took off, and I always suspected that the reason had a lot to do with people discovering how little she actually had to do with the web crawler, and then wondering what her deal was. I was never disappointed, though. She has a backstory with plenty to offer on its own: mutated, aged in suspended animation (much like a fine cheese), raised by a talking humanoid cow, HYDRA agent, private eye, girlfriend of the ghost of an Arthurian wizard. We should all have such a colorful background!

Personally, I’d just like the healing ability. Or maybe the venom blasts, in case someone badgers me on a grumpy day.

In one of those occasional cross-overs of nelly/nerdy impulses, I just bought the entire run of Dazzler, including another 4-issue Beast/Dazzler mini-series that I hadn’t know about before. I read Dazzler for quite a while in my formative years, without it even occurring to me why I might be drawn to a disco-singing mutant who just wanted to be left alone to be a glamorous roller-skating pop star without all the hassle of being different. (Who knew?) As if that weren’t gay enough, she was constantly plagued by a blonde Asgardian bitch who was jealous of her career. It was totally the disco Dynasty of the Marvel Universe.

But since the poor dear apparently isn’t considered such a hot ticket with the typical comic-book set, the whole thing cost about as much as a couple of trades of Wolverine of something suitably macho. Once the box of the original issues arrives, expect more exciting ads to appear in the sidebars.