I was in Orlando last week, but work has been too relentlessly overwhelming to get a chance to relate the tale. (There was off-duty time since I got back, yes, but that was usually spent sleeping like the dead or sitting slack-jawed in a haze of mental fatigue.)
My personal hell the eternal prison of endless torment to which I may one day be condemned if the religious Right has its way will not be so unlike Orlando, I’m sure. My god, if this is what people seek out for vacation and pleasure, our society is in more trouble than I thought. (And I was already worrying, trust me.) That place feels like the entire universe got gobbled up by a theme restaurant. The landscape is just a bleak, seemingly endless branded sprawl broken up by carefully planted shrubbery. In its way it’s no more or less artificial than the landscape in New York, but I think that what bothered me the most is that New York is made and then left to evolve, and Orlando is carefully decorated and managed. New York is a built city, and Orlando is contrived.
(Before the e-mails come, I freely acknowledge that I didn’t see any of the regular city, just the tourist sprawl between there and Disney World. In fact, I don’t think I saw a single place where actual people live. I hear the city’s nice, if you like Florida. )
But I survived. The highlights:
ProNice weather this time of year: not too hot, not too cold. Heated swimming pool at the hotel. There for work, but blessedly out of the work-a-day office grind. Got to see Mom and Dad for a while, which was swell. Finally got to see Celebration, which was pretty but a bit creepy in the details. Compared to the area around it, though, it was an earthly paradise. Very cool trip to the Kennedy Space Center. Fascinating, but that would be another post altogether. (Which I probably won’t get around to writing. Sorry.) Um, uh…that’s about it. |
ConEach meal was worse than the last. Seriously, after the most horrible lunch in the world eaten beneath a Saturn V rocket I didn’t eat again until I left the state. Logos, endless logos! Bigger than life! 3-D! Lit up! I swear, every last brick there is pushing some nationwide chain or another. There was no real architecture, only pastiche and oversized set dressing. I’m such a goddamn weakling I wrenched my shoulder from swimming too much. Endless small talk with other nerds I barely know. A terrifying earful of white-trash sob stories. Too much unnecessary air conditioning. When it’s not hot outside, all that fake air just feels clammy. Southern accents, and not the rare charming kind. The most synthetic hotel bedspread ever. Got home to discover the third and final rejection letter about grad school. Oh joy, oh rapture. |
HOLY CRAP!!! You hit the nail on the head. I live in Orlando and CANNOT STAND IT (no, I am not a native… I am from New Jersey and lived in New York City for a couple of years).
If you think the landscape and the theme parks are bad… well, look at the people. HOLY SHIT!!!
GET ME A JOB SO I CAN GET OUTTA HERE!!!!
Great post. Thanks.
kennedy space center is so great! granted, i love science, but still!! spaceships!
Geez, I’m sorry to hear about grad school.
you noitced the ‘jewish debate’ part of the adbusters site you link to, yes?
No, Sam, I missed that. Like I said in the rollover note, though, they’re all over the map. The less they focus, the more they court controversy.
Why do you think I stopped admitting I was born there? AND I worked at a theme park (although it was Busch Gardens, so at least we worshipped beer instead of a mouse…
I was also sorry to hear about grad school. Not because I have any respect for the ivied towers of academia (I don’t) but just ’cause it sounded like something you were hoping would happen.
It’s their loss.
I’m hoping that the rejection letter doesn’t keep you from stopping your search for a place that meets your requirements for grad school. You’ll get in to a place you want – don’t give up!
I’ve been to Orlando and feel exactly about it as you do. It was horrible. I’ve never seen so many trashy people in one place. It was like Raytown, MO (a suburb of Kansas City that Mama’s Family was set in) with palm trees and swamps. Between the heat and mosquitos and the lack of decent places to eat, why do old people decide to retire there?
They closed the strangest thing in Orlando, Splendid China, which was a park with miniature versions of all the famous buildings, landmarks, and natural features. The weirdest thing is it was run by the Chinese government.
First of all, you are the crazy spitting image of your dad–I think strong parent-child resemblances are the greatest (yes, weird).
Second, one of the things that I am endlessly fascinated by (and endlessly ashamed of) in the South is the phenomenon of the overheard white-trash sob story (stand in any line down here and you will hear tales of chronic illness and lawsuits and financial woe that will make your head explode). I’m so glad to get some independent Yankee verification on this.
Okay; frankly — I’m appalled. If “they” are not looking for someone like you, I don’t know what the F “they” could possibly be looking for. I’ve seen your portfolio, and the only thing I can think of is that they figured you were overqualified, and that they had nothing to offer you. What the hell?! Seriously; I’m angry at “them.” Anyway. Smooches from Boston.
I grew up in the eastern suburbs of Orlando and, for the part of the city that you saw, you’re absolutely right. It’s horrible and we never, ever went there if we could avoid it. Orlando is really not a bad place if you get out of the tourist areas, though, and the weather is wonderful.
I live north of Orlando and have for the past fourteen years now. Like others have stated, once you venture away from the tourist areas things do improve. I still pretty much despise things here, though so I can sympathise completely. Especially now as our weather goes from nice and temperate to bloody hot and humid.
Celebration is a really awesome place once you get over that initial Twilight Zone feeling. I hope to move there someday.
Oh, my, Sparky … I’d have shown you a much better time in Orlando than you seem to have had. And it is not at all like Raytown, MO! There are some quiet nice hidden pleasures in Central Florida, but you have to be a local to a find them.