For the first time in a while, the subject came up a couple of times this week once while discussing a project, again while chatting with friends during a much-needed caffeine break. I realized how much it’s become my open secret, the thing everyone knows but still never mentions, except with extremely obvious and awkward oversensitivity.
I, of course, still think about it all the time. I think about it every time I take medicine, when I wonder how I’ll feel when and if that one, easy-on-the-system pill isn’t enough to keep things under control. (I don’t try to hide the medicine when I take it anymore. Have you noticed?) I think about it every time there’s a drop of blood from a bad hangnail or a schaving scrape. (I usually wonder how I’d react if I ever had a more serious scrape that I couldn’t tend to all by myself, where someone else might want to help stop the bleeding or clean the wound.) I think about it when I remember what it was like to have sex, back before the antidepressants and the guilt and the fear and the mixed feelings. (I know I shouldn’t judge, but I do, and no one was more reluctant to admit it than me, especially when I realized I was my own jury.)
I don’t mind talking about it, you know. Seriously, it’s alright to be curious, to wonder how things are going. The answer might just be, “Fine. A little depressing from time to time, but still fine overall. The numbers are all holding steady, just like I hoped for.” Sometimes, I may not want to get into it then and there, but what topic (except the weather, maybe) isn’t like that now and then? It seems weird that it never comes up, since it was once such a big deal when we had to talk about it.
I don’t know if I expect a certain reaction or not. I don’t think I do, but the topic seems conspicuous by its absence. Maybe I just want to be a little less stoic I don’t want to fall back into those old habits of acting like I can handle it all by myself and smile all the way. That didn’t work out so well, after all.
And don’t rush in and act all concerned all at once, because then I’ll feel totally self-conscious. That would be awkward
I know, it’s a little unclear what the best approach would be. Sorry about that, but I don’t know what to advise, or if I’m even trying to give advice or just…you know, get it off my chest. That’s life, I guess fuzzy, unclear, something you figure out as you go along.
Dude, I’m fuzzy, unclear, and something I figure out as I go along also. And I miss you.
As a guy with AIDS who talks about it alot (probably more than I should) I can tell you that it is always going to be a grey area. Sometimes it is all good, and fine, and you don’t mind sharing. Other times you just want everyone to shut up and leave ya alone. In the 10+ years I have been dealing with this, I go back and forth between every aspect of the spectrum. Do, and say what feels right today, cause tommorrow it will totally be different
You’ve been so happy and so healthy that I wanted to focus on that, as we don’t see each other that much. I know Steven is taking good care of you! xox
Honestly? I think everybody knows about your KrispyKreme tattoo, and we’ve all come to accept it in our own way.
It’s tough. Like anything other major life crisis–a divorce/break-up or a death in the family, say–it’s so very hard to express concern after the initial “reveal” without feeling like I’m harping on it, or bringing up a sore subject just as things are calming down and it finally is in the background for a little bit. I know that your health must be on your mind a lot, and sometmes I think that well, maybe you spent all day yesterday at the doctor, and today would be the wrong time to ask how things are going just because you want some time off from thinking about it.
In the end, it comes down to how awkward it so often is to tactfully express concern for someone, especially about the really important things. God, but we’re a weird, awkward society.
Personally, Dan is the only guy I know who is dealing with this. Maybe I am isolated from it more than other people who read this site, but when I think about HIV I always think about Dan and how he’s doing. I guess that he’s my reference, like it or not. I don’t worry, but maybe that’s because he doesn’t make it seem like it’s necessary to worry. So I don’t, but I do think about him everytime I hear something, or read something about HIV. It’s not bad, since Dan is amazing and it’s nice to be reminded of him even from far far away. We probably won’t ever talk about this, but I know he is dealing and I admire him for everything he does. So I am dealing too.
Well, I have to say it really doesn’t cross my mind most of the time. I’ve seen you about 4 times in the last few months, and not once during those visits did I even think about it. Now, it might be because I am so self-obsessed with the enormous upheaval I am putting myself through, but I think it’s more likely that you’ve outwardly been doing so well that it doesn’t come up.
That said, you know full well that if want to talk about it, I’m right there. (And since cell phone long distance is free, we have no excuse.)
I am SO looking forward to seeing you. I’ve been fuzzy and unclear since somewhere around 1984.
Dan:
I didn’t read your blog everyday. I didn’t really have time, and I also thought, as we were married, you’d tell me anything directly. I found this post last week, and have read it over and over.
I guess you thought I had read it, and chose not to discuss the subject with you.
Can we talk about this now?