Ragtag grab-bag
I made a last-minute decision to fly out to San Francisco this past weekend to visit some very good friends and check out the Dore Alley Fair. Fun time, nice things to see, nothing earth-shattering to report. On the whole, everyone was a lot friendlier than any of the Folsom Street East fairs I’ve been to. Somehow I also managed to run into more analog and online friends on the other side of the country than I ever do at the street fair here. Go figure.
Anyway, some snapshots:
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The words were so simple and accurate, I was amazed that I had never managed to string them together myself. They were exactly what I’d been trying to say, and even made connections I hadn’t been able to properly express yet.
“I want a kinky boyfriend.”
I was chatting with a guy online, and we fell into lamentations about the difficulties of meeting guys who were into headier sexual thrills but were still interested in more than the sex. When he said that, I all but smacked my head in disbelief. Eureka! that’s what I’ve been saying in a roundabout way: I want a kinky boyfriend.
I’m not squeamish about other fetishes that go further than just the leather. In fact, I’m open to and enthusiastic about all kinds of kink. What I’m not so interested in is getting into stuff that involves so much trust and skill with guys who I haven’t grown to know. I don’t want to be a modular piece of somebody’s scene, or have some guy just be a piece of mine. I want to know someone, see how he ticks, learn what gets him beyond simple horniness, know the shape of his boundaries, and push them. And have the same done to me.
I’ve had lots of hot, dirty, casual sex and play, and I think it can be a whole lot of fun. It’s fun and cathartic and even educational with the right guy, but I want more. I want more than you can get from a quick roll in the hay or two. I want to get my mind and my emotions involved. I want to make someone dizzy with anticipation and lust. I want to make someone feel secure. I want someone to let down his guard because he knows it’s alright. I want to get past someone’s reservations and get into the whole man inside. I want to open up and feel a more complete version of myself tingle. That’s not casual.
I’ve gotten a handle on the fleeting thrills of casual sex and casual kink. I’ve gotten to know the pleasures of falling in love and the frustrations of not being able to explain what else was missing. After years of getting to know what else turns me on, and how important all that is, I wanna find somebody who can go further with me. I’m willing to be led or I’m willing to take the lead, but mostly I want to make the journey together with a man who sees a similar destination.