{"id":20,"date":"1996-11-30T22:41:04","date_gmt":"1996-11-30T22:41:04","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/ultrasparky.org\/blog\/1996\/11\/30\/the_yinyang_kar\/"},"modified":"2024-11-28T02:35:29","modified_gmt":"2024-11-28T07:35:29","slug":"the_yinyang_kar","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/ultrasparky.org\/blog\/1996\/11\/30\/the_yinyang_kar\/","title":{"rendered":"The Yin\/Yang Karma Wheel of Self-Love"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

By David Melito<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

When contemplating the search for the elusive perfect love, I feel the need
to borrow a phrase from the Diet Coke Diva herself \u2014 \u201cLearning to love yourself is the greatest love of all.\u201d It\u2019s true, Whitney: the greatest love of all is easy to achieve; all it takes is self-confidence. But how do we become self-confident? Can it really be achieved alone? that\u2019s not as easy an answer. You see, Whitney, there are two types of people: those who grew up with a sense of well-being and security, and people like me. We are the Painfully Insecure People (PIP) of the world. What does this have to do with the search for the elusive perfect love? Stick around: it will all make sense.<\/p>\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n

The PIP’s Karmic dilemma:<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

\n

Axiom A: You can\u2019t love another till you love yourself.<\/i><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Axiom B: You\u2019re nobody till somebody loves you.<\/i><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

You see . . . you can’t get to B without first attaining A, yet it\u2019s pretty damn difficult to attain A without getting to B.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\n\n\n\n

Before we continue, let me assure you that there are many advantages to being a PIP. As a PIP it is your goal in life to get people to like you. By the time PIPs are in their twenties, they\u2019ve either learned how to get people to like them or they have killed themselves (or they have a talk show where they are addressed by an iconic first name such as Maury or Geraldo; but I digress). We, the PIPs, are generally the funny people at parties. PIPs were the class clowns that you found most entertaining at lunch during high school. We take risks in order to get attention. We are the Liza Minellis, Divines, John Candys, Steve Spielbergs, Rush Limbaughs, and Sam Kinisons of the world. Some PIPs tell vulgar jokes, some spew right-wing politics, some sing showtunes \u2014 we come from all different walks of life. However, PIPS all share one primary objective. We broadcast the two following vibes 24 hours a day, 7 days a week:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\n

I. Look at me.<\/i><\/p>\n\n\n\n

II. Love every single thing I do!<\/i><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

PIPS will do anything to get attention, including telling everyone how painfully insecure they are (hence this article . . . you are enjoying it aren’t you?). There is hope for PIPS: PIPS can slowly overcome their fears and learn to love themselves but it usually takes years and millions of adoring fans. Barbara Walters\u2019 specials are chock-full of reforming PIPS. The typical PIP interview generally has three parts:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\n

1. How bad things used to be. <\/i><\/p>\n\n\n\n

2. A good cry with Babs.<\/i><\/p>\n\n\n\n

3. How he\/she conquered all and made it.<\/i><\/p>\n\n\n\n

(Note: Part 2 can take place at any time.)<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

Of course, the most famous PIP speech of them all is the one Sally Field gave at the Academy Awards, crying, \u201cYou like me \u2014 you really like me.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

And the point is . . .<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

By now you\u2019re asking yourself, \u201cWhere is all this going?\u201d Well, let\u2019s look at The Karma Wheel. The Yin\/Yang Karma Wheel clearly shows that we slowly start to love ourselves only while others slowly give us praise and affection. The PIP has a problem: in order to obtain a successful relationship, the PIP must learn to love him\/herself (see Axiom A); however, in order to do this he\/she needs love from others. If two PIPs are to fall in love they must not only have lots of things in common and be attracted to each other, but their Karma Wheels (Cupid\u2019s biorhythms, if you will) must be in sync. Since this is seldom the case, the PIP’s quest for companionship typically generates a 15-step cycle of self-love\/self-hate. Let\u2019s see if these patterns mirror your life . . .<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\n\n\n\n

The scenario: <\/i>You\u2019ve just asked Johnny on a date. He says no. You\u2019re crushed. You cry, \u201cWhat\u2019s wrong with me? Why doesn\u2019t anyone love me?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cIt must be my [check all that apply] <\/b>arms <\/b>stomach <\/b>personality <\/b>video tape collection  <\/b>other________________.\u201d<\/b><\/p>\n\n\n\n

This has happened before. You knew Johnny wouldn\u2019t be interested because you projected a negative attitude. Did you really think it would work out if you were looking so hard?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cThe Wheel\u201d<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Step 1: Stop looking so hard.<\/i><\/p>\n\n\n\n

It is a common belief that if you stop looking for love it will come and find you. This of course is as easy as trying to forget your name. You can\u2019t do it. The PIP pretends he\/she isn\u2019t looking. But secretly in the dark, repressed corners of the PIP\u2019s mind he\/she knows that every single person they meet is a potential Mr.\/Ms. right.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Step 2:<\/i><\/p>\n\n\n\n

a. Give up trying to pretend. You are on the prowl.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

b. Accept the fact that no one will love you until you love yourself.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

c. Try to love yourself.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Step 3: Use the following argument in order to fail:<\/i><\/p>\n\n\n\n

No one else loves you. How can six billion people be wrong? If you thought you were a potato and six billion people thought you weren’t, you’d seek counseling right? Of course right.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Step 4: Get really down on yourself, but pretend to hate the world. <\/i><\/p>\n\n\n\n

This is a good time to get drunk and talk to people who have rejected you. Try calling them up to ask such questions as, \u201cWhat\u2019s wrong with me?\u201d At first people will resist, but eventually, with enough persistence, you\u2019ll get answers and boy do they hurt! Wallow in it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Step 5: Now transfer your hate toward yourself to the world. <\/i><\/p>\n\n\n\n

This is called \u201cgetting bitter.\u201d Art students are notoriously good at this. It is at this stage that you should probably start smoking again. Hang out in coffee shops. Don\u2019t talk to anyone. When you do have conversations, always make sarcastic comments about how alone you are. If the person who has most recently rejected you is present, even better.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Step 6:<\/i><\/p>\n\n\n\n

a. Once you hate the world (God too, if you can swing it), watch a little bit of television and come to the conclusion that each and every one of the six billion people who live on the planet are assholes.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

b. Decide that you are actually O.K.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Step 7: No, you\u2019re great! Fabulous! Top of the hill!<\/i><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Accomplish something. Write a novel. Make a movie. Organize your videotape collection. This is the time to start putting together that stand-up comedy act you\u2019ve always wanted to do. Show the world your stuff!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Step 8: YOU LOVE YOURSELF!<\/i><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Listen to Whitney Houston songs. Smile at children. You don\u2019t need anyone \u2019cause you have you. In essence, you are repeating Step 1, only with much more vigor. You have truly fooled yourself into believing that you are not looking. Now, and only now, are you ready to get your heart broken.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Step 9: First meet someone who you think is different from all the rest<\/i> (see next
step if you think this is tricky).<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Step 10: If said person is not different from all the rest, simply convince yourself that he\/she is<\/i> (the longer it’s been since you last had sex, the easier this part is).<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Step 11: Obsess about the person \u2014 it’s fun. <\/i><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Call all of your friends and tell them about him\/her. There are virtually thousands of ways to obsess \u2014 too many to include in a short article. I am currently writing a Time-Life <\/i>series on the subject \u2014 look for it on \u201cAmazing Discoveries\u201d next month. Just remember to be creative, have fun, and try not to harm any animals.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Step 12 \u2014 CRUCIAL STEP: When it is painfully obvious that the person is not interested, humiliate yourself by making them say it to your face.<\/i><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Don\u2019t let them off easy, don’t pick up on their body language. Ignore their subtle hints (such as if they say, \u201cI am not looking for a relationship,\u201d then propose). MAKE THEM HURT YOU! Then they\u2019ll be sorry . . . yessir-ree-bob. They\u2019ll embarrass you so terribly that they will be sure to feel ashamed for hours!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Step 13: Try and hate that person. <\/i><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Of course you can\u2019t. Just a few days ago you were in love and completely obsessed. You’ve already picked out china patterns and the site for your commitment ceremony. You can’t hate him\/her; you need to hate the one thing that is keeping the two of you from being together, which is of course none other than yourself! (Move on to Step 14, don\u2019t pass Go, etc. . . . )<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Step14: Transfer the hate onto yourself.<\/i><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Remember that the higher you build up your self-esteem in Step 8, the more
atrociously insane you are allowed to act. Sit in front of the mirror and scream. Pretend you are on an episode of \u201cThe Donna Reed Show\u201d: lie on your bed, clutch your pillow, and yell aloud, \u201cDear God, I may not be the prettiest girl in the world, but don\u2019t I deserve some happiness?\u201d Listen to the silence. Take it as a No.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Break something that symbolizes your accomplishments: burn your Pulitzer
Prize\u00ad-winning book; smash your Academy Award. Now is the time when many people decide to move on to substance abuse (people like Liza Minelli and Elton John).<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Step 15: Return to step 1.<\/i><\/p>\n\n\n\n

\n\n\n\n

If we could scientifically prove that PIPS are bound to The Wheel, then we would be content to live out our rotten, miserable, stinking lives quietly understanding that we will be forever alone. However, PIPs can get out of their rut, seemingly overnight \u2014 and that, folks, is the pisser! You never know when the hand of fate will gracefully lift you off The Wheel.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I have come to the conclusion that we all travel The Karma Wheel at varying rates but all at the same time. Remember, while you are riding along and lusting after person X and person X is breaking your heart \u2014 remember that person Y is probably thinking you are his\/her person X. As a longtime PIP I have seen many of my fellow PIPs move on to successful relationships. This has been both encouraging and irritating. While it means that the quest is not futile, the overwhelming question still remains: \u201cGoddammit, when?!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I am going to be a damn fine guest on a Barbara Walters special.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

By David Melito When contemplating the search for the elusive perfect love, I feel the needto borrow a phrase from the Diet Coke Diva herself \u2014 \u201cLearning to love yourself is the greatest love of all.\u201d It\u2019s true, Whitney: the greatest love of all is easy to achieve; all it takes is self-confidence. But how … Continue reading “The Yin\/Yang Karma Wheel of Self-Love”<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[7,2],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-20","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-ultraguests","category-ultrahistorical"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/ultrasparky.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/20","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/ultrasparky.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/ultrasparky.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/ultrasparky.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/ultrasparky.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=20"}],"version-history":[{"count":4,"href":"https:\/\/ultrasparky.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/20\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":71702,"href":"https:\/\/ultrasparky.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/20\/revisions\/71702"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/ultrasparky.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=20"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/ultrasparky.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=20"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/ultrasparky.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=20"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}