{"id":1982,"date":"2010-10-24T23:05:02","date_gmt":"2010-10-24T23:05:02","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/ultrasparky.org\/blog\/2010\/10\/24\/the_slippery_so\/"},"modified":"2024-11-30T03:09:45","modified_gmt":"2024-11-30T08:09:45","slug":"the_slippery_so","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/ultrasparky.org\/blog\/2010\/10\/24\/the_slippery_so\/","title":{"rendered":"The slippery soapbox"},"content":{"rendered":"

I foolishly got involved<\/strong> in a heated online<\/a> discussion about HIV and dating and disclosure this weekend. Foolish, that is, because in the midst of a lot of passionate \u2014 and often mean-spirited \u2014 opinions firing back and forth, I chimed in without really anticipating that in the true spirit of the internet someone would anonymously choose to be a real asshole, and it would really rattle me. Aside from that unpleasantness, though, I made a few points that are probably worth sharing.<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

It all started with this anonymous post, which hits very close to home:<\/p>\n

I\u2019ve been dating someone and have recently discovered their HIV status. I do like the person but don\u2019t think I can carry on seeing them because I over worry that somehow I will catch the virus. I will forever worry that somehow I\u2019ll catch it. And I\u2019ll worry what will happen if they get sick.<\/p>\n

Does this make me a bad person? To end a relationship because of this?<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

To which I replied:<\/p>\n

This is why I barely even try anymore. Sigh.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

I was talking about why I\u2019m a bit reluctant to date or even look about that much these days, but judging from the nature of some things that came up later I think some people may have assumed that I don\u2019t even try to tell guys my status. But as things developed I tried to avoid the fray and pitch in some calm, reasoned opinions now and then, such as:<\/p>\n

Also, consider that talking to him about your worries may give him a chance to talk about his own. Even if things don\u2019t work out, you might both get a lot out of getting it off your chests.<\/p>\n

[Someone else, later]: This isn\u2019t a competition.<\/i><\/p>\n

[Me responding]:<\/i> It\u2019s not about a competition or whose feelings count for more: relationships of any kind never are. But it\u2019s not bad to try and see the other person\u2019s side of it while you think about how to handle the situation.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

This was mostly a quick aside referring back to the original poster\u2019s situation, and I stayed out of the fray while conversation\/argument developed. It hit that point were people were shouting statistics and risk assessment and moral judgement back and forth, and I eventually felt compelled to say something a little more thoughtful about the personal side of things:<\/p>\n

In the decade or so that I\u2019ve been dealing with being positive, it\u2019s been occasionally difficult but mostly helpful to be up-front about my status. Although I know my candor has made it easier for some other people \u2014 infected and not \u2014 to understand things better, I\u2019ve always spoken up because it makes things easier for me to handle.<\/p>\n

I\u2019d rather write about it or acknowledge it in my own terms, at my own pace and let other people figure out their feelings without either one of us being put on the spot. The truth is that I really do feel a burden of responsibility when I\u2019m with negative guys, if only because I\u2019ve usually been the one who\u2019s dealt with serodiscordance and its hassles. It\u2019s fucking stressful, and I\u2019d rather avoid it being a surprise.<\/p>\n

Disclosure has often been easy, but not always. As much as I try to think of the whole thing as just a health situation, the truth is that I find it really hard to ignore all the judgement and the emotional baggage that the world around me \u2014 not all of it, but certainly enough of it \u2014 attach to HIV. Sadly, it\u2019s a disease that\u2019s a convenient focal point for a lot of strong feelings that apply to all kinds of situations. I really, really like to shield myself from that. I have enough to fret about, and frankly dealing with people who treat me like I\u2019m radioactive \u2014 consciously or not \u2014 is more trouble than it\u2019s worth.<\/p>\n

I understand why someone who\u2019s negative would have misgivings about getting involved with someone like me who\u2019s not. Honestly, it goes both ways. But that\u2019s also why I like to bring it up: I may not want to make the effort to deal with YOUR status unless I think you\u2019re really great.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Things raged on in other directions while I was off having a nice day, but the subject overall had gotten under my skin, so I later wrote:<\/p>\n

[Someone else]: If negative people want 100% disclosure, then they should be the ones actively creating an environment so that that can happen.<\/i><\/p>\n

I think a lot of the back-and-forth comes down to this. Like I said, I really do think that I and other folk with HIV ought to disclose, for a bunch of reasons. But the occasional awful reactions I\u2019ve had to being candid have also made it a really awkward thing to do in many cases, and I really do understand why guys may avoid it, regardless of whether or not they should. Emotional risks, after all, feel just as valid as physical risks when you\u2019re in the thick of things.<\/p>\n

So maybe we do have the duty to disclose, but realistically everyone who would like us to disclose every time for his sake ought to be doing every damn thing in his power to help create a culture that encourages us to do so without it being a big deal. Then it gets better for everyone involved. That\u2019s definitely not the vibe that I see arising out of this issue EVERY DAMN TIME it comes up again around here, or elsewhere.<\/p>\n

[A question about how that works is raised]<\/i><\/p>\n

You publicly encourage a culture that makes private disclosure easy. As in, you try to handle it well and you convince other people that they should try to handle it well, too. Like when you call people out because they\u2019re being racist, or sexist, or mean to your friends. It\u2019s not easy to get people to treat each other respectfully, but it\u2019s not rocket science, either. Slow and steady wins the race.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

It got pretty ugly after this, with some anonymous person firing off some pretty mean quips \u2014 general ones, and a couple about me in particular \u2014 that really hit below the belt, and referring to me as an \u201cAIDSTER\u201d. Happily, there was a much-needed show of support, but when someone commended me for having a thick skin, I had to point out that I definitely do not:<\/p>\n

Like I said, it\u2019s easier for me to talk about it in a way that lets me offer my perspective carefully and lucidly. I don\u2019t mind people knowing: it fends off guys who don\u2019t think they can handle the situation, and that makes life less complicated. And being candid, and trying to be helpful, is also my contribution (I hope) to making it easier for other guys to talk about it. In ten years, this is the first time I\u2019ve run into this kind of shear meanness, and I\u2019ve got to say: it fucking stings.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

I withdrew from the proceedings after this. It was too obvious to me that my feelings were becoming pretty raw, and I was letting myself get dragged into a debate that I took too personally. It\u2019s complicated, to say the least, to navigate the physical, emotional, and social waters of this situation. Even though I often think I\u2019ve successfully made my peace with those challenges, I\u2019m still reminded that the wounds run deep.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I foolishly got involved in a heated online discussion about HIV and dating and disclosure this weekend. Foolish, that is, because in the midst of a lot of passionate \u2014 and often mean-spirited \u2014 opinions firing back and forth, I chimed in without really anticipating that in the true spirit of the internet someone would … Continue reading “The slippery soapbox”<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[5,15],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-1982","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-ultrapersonal","category-ultrapositive"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/ultrasparky.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1982","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/ultrasparky.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/ultrasparky.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/ultrasparky.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/ultrasparky.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1982"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/ultrasparky.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1982\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":77072,"href":"https:\/\/ultrasparky.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1982\/revisions\/77072"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/ultrasparky.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1982"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/ultrasparky.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=1982"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/ultrasparky.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=1982"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}