{"id":1396,"date":"2005-06-03T05:30:57","date_gmt":"2005-06-03T05:30:57","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/ultrasparky.org\/blog\/2005\/06\/03\/apologies_to_al\/"},"modified":"2024-11-30T03:31:57","modified_gmt":"2024-11-30T08:31:57","slug":"apologies_to_al","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/ultrasparky.org\/blog\/2005\/06\/03\/apologies_to_al\/","title":{"rendered":"Apologies to All"},"content":{"rendered":"

A good friend’s troubles<\/strong> inspired me to spend a chunk of the evening reading through old entries, especially the ones from around the time I had my spectacularly maudlin meltdown<\/a> a few years ago. In a way, I was looking for a little reassurance, for some proof that the doldrums that have been dogging me for a while now aren\u2019t so bad when you look at the big picture. Well, I suppose they\u2019re not. It\u2019s not very encouraging, though, to realize that I\u2019ve slipped back into some very bad habits<\/a> I thought I\u2019d kicked. The overall dullness of my posting for so long now is really just a symptom \u2014 granted, it\u2019s a real obvious symptom once you notice it \u2014 that I\u2019ve gone back to pushing, pushing, pushing my feelings as far down as humanly possible, and at the very least hiding them when I can\u2019t successfully suppress them. The way I feel it, this has led to me becoming the most boring, dispassionate me that I can ever recall being. The last few weeks of sitting around the house more than usual have reminded me how much I\u2019ve retreated into myself over time, making a bad habit out of what once had been an emergency measure.<\/p>\n

I am one frustrated motherfucker. I\u2019m frustrated with myself, and with lots and lots of things about my life. I\u2019m keenly disappointed about a few things, and mad at myself for not doing more to make them happen, or keep them from happening. For instance, I seem to have shut out most of the people who would have intentionally or accidently called my bluff. After all, if you\u2019re trying to avoid the obvious, you probably avoid the people who know you best. Even worse, you probably don\u2019t even notice you\u2019re avoiding them until you realize you\u2019ve already alienated them.<\/p>\n

Which is stupid. And cowardly. And fucked up.<\/p>\n

I\u2019m not sure when a touch of reserve gave way to my being an impassive asshole. I\u2019m sure it was just a slow accumulation of teeny decisions. Cue the development of my internal monologue: \u201cNo, I have a lot of work to do.\u201d \u201cNo, I don\u2019t have the energy to go out and be cheerful.\u201d \u201cNo, I don\u2019t wanna explain what\u2019s on my mind.\u201d \u201cNo, there\u2019s so much catching up to do.\u201d \u201cNo, I really owe them an apology more than dinner and a movie.\u201d \u201cNo, we haven\u2019t talked for so long that I can\u2019t just call and pretend I haven\u2019t been a jerk.\u201d<\/p>\n

Suddenly, I notice how lonely I am, and what an insensitive idiot I\u2019ve been. But I don\u2019t wanna face up to it, so I shove it all down a little further and move along. Of course, I definitely don\u2019t write about anything that I ought to talk about first, so you the public get another post about TV or current events or something. Remember when I has stuff to say? I do.<\/p>\n

So, I\u2019m sorry. I\u2019m sorry in a general to way to anyone who still bothers to read this nonsense, but mostly I\u2019m sorry to a particular handful of people I love for not talking to you in a long while, or for making you think I didn\u2019t want to talk to you. I do \u2014 desperately \u2014 but I\u2019m pretty ashamed that I dropped the ball so often and let things deteriorate so much, especially since I want so badly to know how you\u2019re doing. If you have any forgiveness left, I\u2019ll try not to be such an insensitive\/oversensitive jerk anymore.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

A good friend’s troubles inspired me to spend a chunk of the evening reading through old entries, especially the ones from around the time I had my spectacularly maudlin meltdown a few years ago. In a way, I was looking for a little reassurance, for some proof that the doldrums that have been dogging me … Continue reading “Apologies to All”<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[5],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-1396","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-ultrapersonal"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/ultrasparky.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1396","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/ultrasparky.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/ultrasparky.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/ultrasparky.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/ultrasparky.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1396"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/ultrasparky.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1396\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":77091,"href":"https:\/\/ultrasparky.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1396\/revisions\/77091"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/ultrasparky.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1396"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/ultrasparky.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=1396"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/ultrasparky.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=1396"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}