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January 2007

Give the People What They Want

I suppose it's my own fault for shying away from more postings about hot gay sex, damning personal confessions, and other lurid adventures — with random pictures of hot guys swiped off the internet for additional incentive — but I just don't get the kind of traffic I once did. I get about 400 spam comments a day (compared to about 2 legitimate ones a month), so at least there's a robot in Russia or somewhere paying attention.

I also get fantastic amounts of traffic from Google image searches (you try to be good about metadata and link attributes, and look what it gets you) and attempts from people on MySpace trying to link directly to photos I’ve posted. (By the way, I have a little thing running that prevents you from doing that, kids, so knock it off.) I also get lots of traffic from Google searches that lead to random things buried deep in my archives. If I were really interested in more traffic, I would just devote this site to gay porn, Nightcrawler, the search for Ultra Love jeans (please stop asking me where to find these! I have no idea what you're talking about!), and all things related to gayness and nudity in Jackass. (Lesbian toe-sucking would also help, apparently, but I have to draw the line somewhere: There is no lesbian toe-sucking here!)

Finally, though, the internet has come to my assistance and shown me something to help all the wayward souls who come to Ultrasparky looking for pleasure. I have finally found the clip of scenes taken out of Jackass: Number Two because they were too gay, or featured too much nudity. Warning, many gentlemen's genitals to be seen here or here.

There. My work is done.

Oh, what the hell: here's some gay porn, too:

(Read the rest...)

Star Wars: A New Hand

While I try to recover from a couple of weeks of intensive research and writing (let me tell you, though, my 24-page analysis if Monotype 4-line mathematics typesetting is a real page-turner) and force my brain to start thinking about actual type design again, it's even harder than usual to think of anything pithy and entertaining to post. Therefore, I resort to the easiest possible solution: more YouTube treasures!

Here's the big finale of Star Wars performed by hands:

It's like the opening number of Pippin, but nerdier, less gay, and more brilliant.

Fear Me, Human!

MorguiWhile I spend my days drawing letters and writing about metal type, researchers elsewhere in the university are making some extraordinary progress in the exciting field of Mad Science. Morgui, the fantastic disembodied robot head shown above, contains a number of sensors that supposedly enable him to interact naturally with humans, but I suspect that "naturally" in this case refers to a scenario in which a more powerful species decides to exterminate its progenitors. Sadly, the university's ethics and research committee has decided that Morgui (Mandarin for "Magic Ghost," or possibly, "Cylon Centurion") is too terrifying to be used for experiments with anyone under the age of 18.

One can almost hear Professor Kevin Warwick, Morgui's creator, shouting in his lab, one fist angrily, defiantly shaking in the air: "Those fools! They can't accept real genius when they see it! I'll show them all! They'll learn what it really means to fear what they can't comprehend!"

Morgui is not available for research and experimentation underway in the university's Department of Typography and Graphic Communication.

Like Mr. Sparkle, but Better!

Genius alert! Check out these completely glorious anime-style drawings of the characters from The Simpsons and Futurama:

The_Simpsonzu_by_spacecoyote.jpg Super_Happy_Fun_Futurama_Show_by_spacecoyote.jpg

They remind me a little bit of this classic gem, just taken to a new level:

Lame-O Is My Game-O

I’d made a secret resolution to pick up the pace around here again, but it was a lot easier to keep when I was home alone for a week bored out of my skull. It's difficult to string together lucid sentences once distractions from visitors (both social and microbial) start using up one's free cycles.

In a half-hearted effort to get back on the ball, then, I bring you that least inspired of all postings — the "personal answers to 50 generic questions" meme!

(Read the rest...)

I Can't Use the Force! You MUST Use the Force!

Luckily, Dave has saved me from having to think of anything clever to post today. Please enjoy this amusing video he sent instead:

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