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Grape Crush

It's so, so painful to have a big crush on someone, especially when it's been so long since I’ve had one. There's a steady stream of cute boys that catch my eye, and there have even been a few where my attraction to them was a bit distracting, but it's been years since I’ve been in the throes of a full-on crush. You know the kind, right? You get giddy thinking about him, you're amazed at how easily you get on with one another, you can't wait to hang out again. For me, crushes are also notable for being more about the overall guy than just whether or not he's sexy. Cute guys are a dime a dozen, but those guys who are all cute and smart and fun and easy to talk to are much more rare, and make me swoon that much more. I don't think about sex quite as much as I think about running around together and having adventures. Granted, he's adorable and has a great mouth and it's easy to imagine myself making out with him, but that’s only a part of the whole spell.

Of course, crushes hurt like hell, too, at least for me. If I were more confident that any attraction could be mutual, crushes wouldn't be so bittersweet. But, me being me, I’m convinced that no one that cute could be all that into me, no matter how well we hit it off. (And I’ve been down this road many times before, so experience backs me up on this.) In a way, though, that’s safer, because the most painful part of having a huge crush right now is that it makes it very hard to ignore how poorly suited to one another my boyfriend and I are. I adore him and can barely consider a life without him in it, but we really have no business considering one another partners when we can't share much more than chit-chat and chores. Running across someone who fires all those dormant cylinders in my engine just reminds me how much I keep denying myself the things I enjoy.

I don't see myself ever getting out out of the situation by leaving one guy for another, but my crush — my sweet, sweet, excruciating crush — is a painful reminder that a change is gonna have to come someday.

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