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October 2003

Kiss My Morass

I can't decide if it's change or inertia that plagues me these days. Both, actually I guess it depends upon the topic. Yeah, I’m stuck in some unglamorous fog of low morale about work (don't even get me started...) and I don't think I’ve ever felt so shitty about the shape I’m in and the way I look. So I’m too busy to write at work, usually too tired to write at home, and too fat and funny-looking to feel like playing the bon vivante and dashing from one elegant fête to another. (Although I’ve got to admit that I’ve been to a couple of swank ones. I just felt really dowdy at them.)

But that’s not the whole story. I’m also laying low because I’m trying to lay low. I’ve extracted some good lessons out of the last couple of rough years, and most of them can be mixed together and boiled down in a couple of key reminders:

  1. Slow the fuck down and relax.
  2. Only you decide what you have to do.

I’m trying to undo the effects of years of spreading myself to thin and encouraging unrealistic expectations. I’m realizing just how much I drowned out my own thoughts by maintaining a full dance card and filling every empty moment with other people. Now I’m trying to just follow my nose and be still, because that just seems right for now. It's a tricky process, though. I miss people I don't see as much anymore, but I have more time to put my head in order. I’m less prolific but I worry less about whether that makes me a loser. I don't get out quite so much, but I’m saving a freaking truckload of money that just might make it possible for me to go to school full-time next year (if I can actually learn how to be more frugal by nature).

It's slow going and I probably haven't tapered off my public life as gracefully as possible, but I’m counting on the patience and understanding of my pals. After all, I may be less fun, but I’m also less of a basket case. That counts for something right? So get off my back. It's not a snub if I feel like being a slug it's just the rhythm of my li'l ol' life these days. Dig?

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