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Up Again

It's getting the point where waking up in the middle of the night pretty much means there'll be no getting back to sleep. No matter how tired I may be, no matter how groggy I feel, the sleep just doesn't come. Instead, I have a lovely time tossing and turning, feeling the Celexa gurgle in my stomach, trying to stretch out the knots in my shoulders, and trying not to think too much.

Not think too much? Hah! Fat chance, loser. With everything on my mind lately, I’d have better luck trying to teleport to Venus. Tonight's topics? (1) How demoralizing it is to get romantically and sexually rejected so regularly by men who are otherwise so fond of me (making me feel entirely unsexy, much more maddening and depressing than getting rejected by men who never got to know me better or never showed any interest in the first place). (2) But yet knowing it's not that simple, just a seductively simplistic interpretation that lets me feel sorry for myself. (3) How often I feel lonely in a crowd, no matter how well-regarded I may be, and how closely tied that loneliness is to all that rejection and all those guys liking me, but just not quite enough to choose me. (4) Hating that it's that simple. And (5) how wise it is to vent all this publicly: It's cathartic and saves me from repeating the whining too much, but it's such bad P.R.

Grumpy Sparky

Comments (6)

1) Charles: I know that nothing I can say will make things instantly better ... just wanted to let you know I've been thinking about you and sending positive vibes your way. I hope things get better for you soon. (May 22, 2002 8:56 AM)

2) Vince: Venus is way overrated these days. And the only gay bar is just like the one you visited in (insert little town X here) where the height of decor was the bud light neon. Anything else I want to say will sound pedantic and preachy to the way you are feeling. (But at least you are feeling and even though these feeling suck many others have lost the ability to feel at all and I think that is the real crime)Wow I did get preachy and pedantic. shit. (May 22, 2002 11:14 AM)

3) rannie: BIG HUGS.... BIG BIG HUGS I know this is totally off topic.. or maybe not.. but did you still want to do those sexy pictures when I come down to NYC? Lemme know... MORE BIG HUGS (May 22, 2002 1:02 PM)

4) frank: Ok.... sometimes at night, when I can't sleep and I'm worried about mortgage payments, or eminent death, I try to shift my mind to one of two areas. Either, A., I just won the powerball and I've got to decide what kind of cars to buy or B. I have been elected absolute ruler of Earth and I can subjugate one national sporting leauge (NFL, NBA, MLB, etc...) into my own personal harem..., which one should I choose ? Each sport has it's virtues. Usually, I pick the Soccer leauge, but only if I'm allowed to pool from the International leauges as well..., I don't know if this will help you any, but hopefully it made you smile :) hugs. (May 22, 2002 3:31 PM)

5) halfbeast: SISSY! (Jun 7, 2002 8:24 AM)

6) Sparky: Yes, that's right. I AM a sissy. (Jun 7, 2002 9:49 AM)

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